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I don't know what your problem is, but I am completely satisfied with this entry. Good writing!
Wednesday, October 26. 20050.1: Another Glimpse
[Author's note: I'm not happy with this chapter as-is, but if I wait any longer, I'll lose interest in the story completely...]
The young woman approached the cliff's edge, gently bouncing the bundle in her arms. From his position behind her, Jack couldn't make out what she was holding, but her body language made it an easy guess. With the faint thud of his own heartbeat sounding in his ears, Jack watched as time slowed to a crawl. The anonymous young woman stood, her back stiff as a rod, and flung the bundle of blankets out in the blackness. Jack felt a strangled cry rip from his throat, and he lurched towards the edge, feeling the wind drag at his clothing, holding him back as if to prevent his interference in what was happening. In the flash of colors both bright and pastel, Jack saw a tiny foot, and then a leg, before the baby disappeared over the cliff. His neck taut with rage and eyes wide in horror, he grabbed at the girl and spun her around to face him, then flinched in shock. Where he should have seen the eyes of a young girl, be they brown, blue, green, or hazel, two pure pools of liquid silver gleamed wetly. Jack watched as the girl pulled her arm from his grip and then, with a motion that was neither forceful nor sudden, cocked her elbow and drove her stiffened hand right through Jack's chest... "Watch 'ere you're walking, bub." a voice growled at Jack from the void. Jack looked around and found himself in the mall food court once again. Looking over his shoulder to apologize to the man he'd bumped into, he noticed Angel standing in line at the Speedy Panda stand, talking to someone from her office whose name he ought to remember, but didn't. As he crossed the court to meet them, a chill ran up his spine as he saw the face of the young woman from his vision near the center of a gaggle of high school girls. Deftly, Jack reached into the group of young women and grabbed the girl just above the elbow. She turned to him, startled but not scared, an expectant look on her face. "Do I know you?" she asked quizzically. Jack pitched his voice low so that only she would hear what he said. "Don't sneak out tonight. Don't go see him. Your parents will find out." Shock and shame flooded the girl's face, but Jack released her arm and let the flow of traffic caused by her friends carry her away as he headed toward Angel and...Mary? Marcy? It didn't matter. The girl would still sneak out tonight; she'd still get pregnant; her boyfriend would still become a dead-beat dad; and the literal offspring of her choices would still pay the price. Nothing could stop it. In a way he couldn't ever explain, it had already happened...but, as always, Jack was the only one who knew it. Suddenly, Jack found himself thinking about that mysterious email again. Some of you have been harder to protect than others, almost as if you were deliberately fighting me... Trackbacks
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in the paragraph that you don't like change the word pulled to ripped or jerked or yanked, and end the sentence. The next sentence should show that she looks him directly in the eyes "and then, with a motion that is neither forceful or sudden (look up some words in the thesaurus that could replace forcefull and sudden, as those in my mind do not quite do the explaination justice. Something like jerky, flailing, uncoordinated, or spastically.) , cocked her elbow and 'smoothly and sharply' drove her stiffened hand right through Jacks chest...
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