Seen in classified ads in the UK

A British friend sent me these. Phone numbers masked for YOUR protection:

Wanted:

30 Chinamen and a zepplin for elaborate practical joke. Can you help? Please call xxxx-xxx-xxx.

Amanda

I'm running a bit late. Will be there in about an hour. How far apart are the contractions?

Does anyone

else think that there's something not quite right about Gary Lineker?

Incurable romantic

seeks filthy whore. Call me. xxxx-xxx-xxx

Small minority wanted

to spoil it for the rest of us. There's always one - could it be you this time? Phone xxxx-xxx-xxx.

Money Worries?

Earn £££££££'s. You don't even have to get out of bed! To find out more, call 'Pimp' Jimmy at xxxx-xxx-xxx.

Nemesis Wanted

I'm 5'10". Into kayaking, books, and conversation (by day), justice, honour, and vengenace (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac. Call xxxx-xxx-xxx.

Hitachi Washing Machine, DX250

, under warranty until kill, kill, kill them all you must kill them now February 2004, in perfect working order. Call xxxx-xxx-xxx.

Lose Weight Fast!

Tired of dieting and exercise? Incredible results guaranteed! Try amoebic dysentery! Vials available: £20. Simply add to seafood.